Something From The Heart

Grief

*Grief*

It's the strangest things that can trigger you. Take you back. Tonight was one of those nights.

I just finished watching Whitney Houston I Wanna Dance With Somebody movie. Not the best but good.

Yesterday was two years since my sister passed. I didn’t even remember (which also means my aunt & friend passed two years ago as well).

My sister and mother a year later. My brother in law five months ago.

My cousin, who was like my little sister, a few years before all of them.

I have so many memories of my sisters, cousin, bro, together. The party days. Dealing with this life the best way we could or trying our best not to deal with it.

For a while, I had this horrible feeling that I was somehow next. It was an odd feeling to shake. I'm grateful that feeling has gone. I know I will probably live to be 93 or 103.

Sometimes i get into the selfish part of grief. And I think to myself, they left me. They just quit and checked out. They left me all alone.

I know that's not true.

Near the end of their lives, I know I wasn't there for them like how I was when I was younger. I wasn't always the best brother or cousin or son.

I was just doing my best to survive too.

And I couldn't save any of them. And I knew that. I was fighting hard trying to save myself.

I'm not the only one who was impacted by these traumas. I don't even know how we're all making it through. We always do though.

I wanted to write this out and share the process. I want others to know that you will get through anything...

Because life will throw you anything and everything. You won't be the only one going through it.

And that is important to know because you need to find the living to make it through the death.

Remember, don't let the regret, anger, hindsight, of grief, hold you a prisoner.

It's okay to feel these parts of grief, let them wash over you. Allow it to cleanse you. Grief is a whole journey of its own.

And know you can have all these feelings and still be a good person, a good brother, a good cousin, a good son.

-Decolonize Myself